poem for an ex

I want to hear how you loved me then.
Because something evil in me sleeps.
And dreams not of you exactly
but through you.

Ex-lover,
I can’t remember anything clearly, least of all you.

Why did I crawl naked into your winter coat
to whisper your name?

Maybe the breeze or alternately the humidity reminds me.
There are games you were good at.
That worked so well to make me difficult.

But now your voice low and sweet makes me
feel the south brush my fingertips.
And your eyes remind me of something I want to taste.

But then of course I hate you.
we are both such similar creatures,
struggling against each other like self-loathing.

I wish you no goodness,
as I would wish any other I have kissed,
(it’s now as if I kissed them only to bring them luck).

But I hope my kiss pursues you like a howling curse
and gets all the pretty girls wise.
And when I calm down if I ever calm down,
I want to know how you got me to call myself
by another name.